Updated: Apr 5, 2020
As I sit in my room with the urge to just get up and go somewhere, do something, I realize I’m not able to. During these trying times of the COVID pandemic, I can’t help to think what’s next for me. I am unemployed, like millions of others, with no income, no insurance, no place of my own, but just trying to stay positive. I had a plan this year, and that plan fell apart, within what seemed like minutes. I can’t even work on my blog like I had hoped to this year. My blog is literally about food and travel, and I can’t do either; although I can cook some dishes at home, it’s hard to find the motivation, better yet half the ingredients in the store!
Prior to all of this, I worked at one of the best cancer centers in the US for the past 5 years, and that came with its own trials. I loved what I did, but I didn’t love my job, if that makes sense. I got so frustrated with myself because I’ve always been this ‘risk taker’ & not always known to follow the norm, but I felt like I had been so stagnant in life. I was scared to try something new and go out on a limb. I have many hobbies and side gigs, many talents and things that I'm good at but haven't really perfected anything where I felt like I could just go and do it. As an adult you realize how brutal reality can be, and hard life hits you if you fail. So I worked and tried to escape reality by traveling as much as I could the last 3 years, but I wasn’t happy when I would return home.
I was desperate to leave the hospital and find a career with my degree in Public Health (go figure). I became really passionate about serving communities in the public health field and was tirelessly applying to just about any job to get my foot in the door to find something that I may learn to love. I even started classes to get certified in being a community health worker and was just burning myself out again. After what seemed like hundreds of job applications later and barely two interviews later, I had no success at finding a job and I was tired and ready to give up. It was a lost cause and figured I would just stay at the hospital until I finished my graduate degree.
Then I heard God say, ‘Be Still’. I just stopped applying for jobs that I knew I didn’t want, and just started praying for what I wanted in life. I realized I hadn’t been praying like I should or focusing on my relationship with Him. My prayers got more specific and more personal. I asked God to show me what he wanted from me and how to serve him. I wanted to find my place and my purpose. I wanted to find my calling, to be a blessing to others. I asked to be ready to receive my blessings and I asked for joy in this short, unpredictable life.
I read a devotional that talked about God answering prayers; whether the answer was yes or no to your requests. His answer depended on your intent and his timing (Matthew 20:20-34) and I knew I was beginning on the right track. I was asking for the wrong things before and didn’t know what I wanted until I just slowed down. A couple weeks later, a church member told me to look into the company his wife works for and just be open to different positions, possibly get some related experience or try something new. I was very reluctant, but I took a look anyway.
I decided to apply for a position just for fun and didn’t think much of it. Fast forward a few very, very stressful months later (I sacrificed traveling, shopping, other luxuries, taking the metro rail to work and sleeping on my cousin’s couch for a few months to save up money), I quit the hospital, packed up and moved to another state to a new beginning. I was so happy, so eager and so full of hope, pride and gratification. I felt like I was in a good place, I felt like everything was coming full circle and I was so close to reaching all my goals, career wise, financially and mentally. This was what I was looking for in every aspect of finding a career. Literally everything I prayed for and what I imagined a dream company to be and I could see myself there for 30 or more years. Everything was going great, until the situation with COVID19 started getting worse.
At first, I didn’t think it would affect me as much, then all of a sudden, my whole world came crashing down because of this virus and I just broke. I couldn’t understand how I finally found something so perfect and it was taken away with the snap of a finger. I left a stable job in the health field(which I don’t think it was a coincidence that I left when I did), I left my apartment, my family and my home to finally take that big leap, that chance that I had been waiting for. I sacrificed so much and worked so hard to finally get to this point in life, it was a blessing, and it's on hold, and there is nothing I can do. The world was experiencing a pandemic, and unfortunately, I wasn’t the only one having to deal with life altering news, or even the worst news of it all, but it still hurts.
I called my family and told them the bad news, and I would end up living back at home with my mom. I was so hurt and upset for a couple of days, then I finally headed back home. My friends and family have been so supportive throughout this and I am very grateful for them. It was hard at first, just not understanding why God was allowing all of this to happen. But I had to realize that this is a time to lean on faith. I don’t know what’s going on, or when this will all be over, or when I will be able to go back to pursuing my dream job.
I honestly have no idea what I’m going to do, but I know it’s is God’s hands and I have to trust that everything will work out. Not to mention I may have been exposed, and have asthma; I quarantined myself for 14 days and dealt with it, I wasn't scared, but I took precautions. I just have to get through the now, day by day (even though not being able to do anything is driving me crazy), and keep my head up. I can’t control what’s happened or what’s happening, but I can control my actions and reactions. I am not angry or depressed, just trying to be optimistic. My situation sucks, and the same goes for millions of others. This is just hard, especially for those who have tested positive for the virus or have family members or people they know with it, which, at this point is majority of us.
I just pray for our leadership in the country, for the families that have had to deal with a loss and just for our overall health and safety. I just want to say thanks to all my healthcare friends & family on the frontline, (I barely made it out!) keep being strong! Unfortunately, the world is experiencing this pandemic together but the more we do our part, the quicker this can be controlled, and we can get back to normal, but as better humans.